I've stopped blogging on Cat Day Afternoon because inside it feels like everything is falling apart, and for me to continue yapping about books and cute shoes and funny things John said... well, it just doesn't gel with what's real. And I just want what I'm expressing to be real. I started feeling apologetic because every post I started would begin with the same thing. "I'm sad and I really miss my Daddy. I'm sad and my old lady cat is dying. I'm sad and John is sick and needy. I'm sad and poor. I'm sad and I miss my family." And then I'd go on to apologize for it and then I'd be pissed off for apologizing so I wouldn't even post at all. Or I'd start over and just post something frivolous. I'm okay with frivolity. I love the superficial. But I don't want it to replace my emotions when my emotions are so raw and exposed and RIGHT THERE for everyone to see. I don't want to be the crazy lady in the room wearing a lampshade on her head and everyone just tells me how pretty my hat is cause they know I'm crazy and the don't want to upset me.

So here's the real deal. I feel like dying. I feel like I don't want to be in a world that doesn't contain my daddy. I feel like I'm watching my child die and I'm helpless and pissed off. I feel like I'm screaming to be heard and no one wants to hear what I'm screaming. And I'm pissed that we're not moving until the spring. I am pissed off to the umpteenth degree. But there's nothing anywhere or anytime that is going to make any of this any better. It's not going to get better. There will never be another person who is going to love me like my Daddy loved me. There is never going to be another being who was by my side through the entirety of my 20's and the first half of my 30's. I am losing my self and my grip on what has become my life. Every day, when I leave the house and get to the end of the driveway I think to myself, You can do it right now. You can drive into a bridge abutment or you can drive to North Carolina or you can drive to Colorado and no one will know where you are and you can pretend none of it ever happened. You can live off the grid and wait tables and change your name and never have to face any of this ever again. You can pretend every day and every night and every minute of the day until one morning you're serving someone eggs and bacon and they call you by the name on the tag on your shirt and it never occurs to you that you were anyone else. And you never look back ever again.